As a result of the clearance work I did to resolve my to-do list terror that I shared with you here, an interesting thing came up for me. Quite a BIG, interesting thing. Once I’d cleared the emotions, I realised that one of the key reasons I was struggling with my to-do list was that I was experiencing a severe case of self-sabotage. When I say severe, I mean, PROPER severe. To the point that my body got involved and forced me to stay in bed for nearly a week unable to function and needing 18 sleep hours a day. The doctor initially diagnosed me with Chicken Pox, but later downgraded it to a viral infection. Whichever it was, I was under regular observation and instructed to stay in bed and rest.
On the 5th day of my “illness” I finally managed to get in touch with Chris, my Head Trash partner. By now deep down I knew that I wasn’t ill, but that I needed a head trash session. I’d been using Reflective Repatterning on myself all week with various issues that were making themselves known, but sometimes you sink so deep in the crap, that you need someone else to hoik you out. And thankfully, I knew just the guy!
After some rooting around, Chris and I agreed that, yes, I was indeed suffering from acute self sabotagitis. Thankfully, Reflective Repatterning has a great framework that uncovers and dissolves sub-conscious self sabotaging thoughts and behaviours, so I knew that I would make a quick recovery.
How does it work?
Just imagine for a minute that you’re taking a running jump towards your goal. You start running and you come to a wall, so you stop. You bash it down, go back to the start and begin to run again. This time you run a bit further, until another wall appears. You bash that one down… well you get the idea. You keep doing this until you take your jump a.k.a. the actions that lead to achieving your goal.
These walls that keep appearing are subconscious walls that are in effect your self sabotage, and using Reflective Repatterning, we’re able to bash them down as they appear during a session. Of course, you don’t have to wait until you actually keep hitting these walls in real life. You can do this BEFORE you start working on your goal and eliminate all possible self-sabotage in advance. Like I should have done!
The first port of call in doing this kind of work is identifying the goal that seems to be eluding you, you know, the one that just isn’t happening no matter what. For me, this goal had been a long time in the making and having been preparing my foundations for a while, I was now in the perfect position to start cracking on with it on the return from my holiday. Or, at least I was until a series of events took shape, apparently outside of my control, that prevented me from taking action.
The thing about self sabotage is that we do not fully appreciate how powerful we truly are. Our unconscious is able to manifest both internally and externally in ways that we may sometimes find hard to accept. But, when we do, and more importantly, realise that it works both ways (for positive and negative intentions), then that’s when we have the power to create utter magic in our lives.
My head trash session with Chris lasted around two and half hours and, wow! What a rollercoaster of emotions! When you work with the energy system, you often find that you deal with pure emotion in a deep way that rarely happens using other methods, and boy did we! In doing so, some pretty amazing stuff came up for me; stuff that would have NEVER been identified during a conscious, rational, left-brain conversation that is so typical of many coaching or mentoring sessions.
So what came up for me? How was I self-sabotaging?
Are you ready for this? There’s a lot! Let me tell you, I’m pretty good at this self-sabotage stuff, a true expert!
The first few blocks were predictable distractions. Some fears and worries, the usual low-grade stuff; “What if I fail, better not try then I won’t fail”, followed by some worries about lack of perceived support externally in helping me to achieve my goal. Then, things started getting interesting…
I was attracting EXTERNAL self sabotage. What I mean by this is that things outside of my control were happening to me that were stopping me from taking action. How did this come up in the session? Well, I was interrupted by a knock at my door! And sure enough, my previous week had been nothing but a series of external obstacles. The type of obstacles that when you stop and think, just seem ridiculous and completely out of proportion. Or unlucky! But yes, they were there and were totally ring-fencing my goal. There was no way through.
Next: my BODY was stopping me. Well I knew that because I had just spent a week in bed. But how did it manifest in the session? I had to interrupt the session because I desperately needed the loo. Seriously? I know I’ve given birth but my bladder isn’t that bad! When your body decides to get involved, you know things are serious. It’s the equivalent of your inner-self shaking you by the shoulders while YELLING at you. We were getting close to rooting this thing out. I just knew it.
My next block was an interesting one. It was a sense that I wasn’t going about achieving my goal in the right way and that I was bending to the shoulds and ought-to’s of the world instead of paving my own way. I say it was interesting because my subconscious presented this to me in the form of my late grandmother. She was all about shoulds and ought-to’s, and she was telling me that she wish she hadn’t been, and that I shouldn’t (!) hold back but just do it my way. This sparked a whole heap of new ideas for me in how I could go about achieving my goal, ideas which would have laid otherwise dormant.
And then the biggie came! During what I can only describe as a moment of Chris Milbank magic, an insight rose from the depths of my being; I had internal conflict. On some level, I believed that achieving my goal would take me away from being all those things that make me ME, and being me had the stronger pull. The ego is a protective sod, no wonder “I” was throwing out all the stops (external sabotage and body interference are pretty extreme measures!). It was while healing this conflict energetically that I was flung onto a roller coaster of emotions and by the time it had cleared, I was well and truly spent. But, at the same time, I had more energy and zest than I had had ALL WEEK.
At this point we decided that given the amount of clearing that had been done, we needed to stop and finish this off another day. There had been a lot of clearing out and re-arranging in my subconscious and I needed time to process it all and let it settle.
So, what happened?
The next day, the complaints that I had spoken to the doctor about the day before had vanished. I didn’t sleep much (4 hours) because I was so excited about getting on with stuff and kept getting my phone out to make notes, but the lack of sleep didn’t really affect me.
After the success of over-coming my feelings of disorganised-ness and chaos to create a wonderfully organised to-do list I’m now firing on all cylinders. I’m not going to get too excited, as I know that the work needs a tidy-up. But for now, things are just cracking on and happening.
Have you got areas of self sabotage that are holding you back? What do you think your blocks are?
If you’re a coach or therapist and you’re interested in finding out more about the method used to clear my self sabotage, then please check out our Training courses. We include this aspect on both our Head Trash Coaching course and our Head Space Creator course.